2025.08.03 On Living Authentically
1. My Realization
I realized that for a while I haven't been living fully as myself, spending so much time compartmentalizing different aspects of myself, attempting to make being myself a performance. It just ended up with me suffering from burnout and losing parts of me as I pursued other aspects of myself or things I wanted. Living this way has continuously kept me from living the life I truly wanted to live, prevented me from doing youtube, from finishing projects that I started.
2. Being Inauthentic
Living without authenticity and being dishonest about yourself is quite possibly the worst thing a person could do to themselves. When I was a teenager I wanted to be an Idol singer and I knew to do that I had to hide parts of myself and force myself to highlight the aspects of myself that could benefit that image, this is part of what I think taught me that I couldn't be all parts of myself at once, that I couldn't be too queer, a witch and an entertainer at the same time. I believed if I did lifestyle content or music that I had to make sure I looked perfect, that I wasn't too outwardly queer, and that I didn't mention being a witch or my religion too much. Or if I wanted to publicize being a witch and making my oils and baths, that I could only do that. I even did this to myself in romantic relationships. My boyfriend not liking me posting things in Korean on Instagram because his parents were weird about it, so I removed a lot of posts and tried to dim down my interest in Korea. I suffocated myself, focusing on perfection and images instead of being myself and doing what I wanted. Over time I stopped writing music, stopped dancing, stopped doing art, and everytime I tried to start again I felt so much pressure that I ended up giving up before I really started.
3. Living With Authenticity and Honesty
For me, I think living with authenticity actually requires you to not take things too seriously or put too much pressure on yourself, if you want something just do it with no regrets, limits or pressures. Don't worry about judgement or success, if you have a job that is comfortable, then just go after your passions and enjoyments as you see fit, you don't need to make them into hussles or to capitalize on them. Especially as a twenty-five year old engineer, the stakes of my life aren't very high. For example, I have always wanted to be a youtuber but could never commit to it, because I had an image I felt I had to be to do it, this time I didn't plan on becoming a youtuber. My first vlog on this channel was totally unplanned, I only decided to film the video about five minutes before I began filming, with no pressure of how long I wanted the video to be or what it needed to be, I was able to do it. This felt good and like I accomplished something. I am still learning to not take things so seriously, and hopefully if I continue just doing this as I like, and putting all of myself upfront without focusing too strongly on one aspect or one goal or hobby, then I can build myself a honest and happy life.
4. Having Authentic Goals
I know, I just spent a while talking about not taking things too seriously or putting yourself under pressure, but I still think part of living honestly is having goals that suit you and your dreams. Goals are a way to chart your path in life but you have to allow them to be fluid, work towards them but don't allow them to be apocalyptic if it ends up not fulfilling your imagination. Currently my goals are the same as they have been for a long time, and that is to go spend a year abroad in Korea or more if I enjoy myself and to become a priest in my religion. I know in my heart these things are fated for me and that I will make them happen, but I am just learning that I cannot let the time before they happen make me miserable and sad that I haven't made it happen yet, just keep working towards it without letting it cause me pain on its path.
5. The End
For me this is what living authentically is: being honest about the entirety of myself and what I want, and doing what I enjoy without pressure or limits. As hard as that is, I think we should all try to become more honest with ourselves and live as our true selves. Do not allow yourself to be consumed by one aspect of yourself but allow all of yourself to exist equally